How to survive a zombie apocalypse according to 5 fairytale characters

October 27, 2015

Little Red Riding Hood  Stock up your basket, disguise yourself in a red cape and run to your nearest green forest – it’s ok they’ll think you’re a superhero. If you see zombies approaching and your super powers aren’t working, skip screaming all the way to Grandma’s and throw the contents of your basket behind you as you go. The stale loaf of bread should trip them up! If they are still coming, remember that Grandma isn’t really that hairy and make your way to the safe sanctuary of the wardrobe. Wait there until the woodcutter arrives and let him and the wolf take on the zombies instead! 

Top tip: Disguise

Rapunzel  If you have a tendency to hang out by a castle window, try to stay out of sight of the zombies and duck down. If you are quite the attention seeker and have uncontrollable urges to cry out for help, then they could well spot you. If this happens, use your very long blonde hair to your advantage and spend some time flicking it over your shoulders in a kind of shampoo advert style – this should hopefully mesmerize them long enough for you to launch everything you have at them. If the zombies manage to get in, it isn’t the end of the world, it’s a way to escape the castle without relying on that time-wasting prince. Maybe you can pull off zombie glamour.

Top tip: Distract

Goldilocks  You’ll find there will be a lot of houses vacant at the moment, so make the most of it while you can. Try to find a good-sized house, preferably one where the occupants have had to leave their breakfast in a rush so it’s still hot. Eat all available food and have a little rest as you’ll need lots of energy. On the rare occasion that occupants do come back, make your excuses and try to befriend them. If they are not impressed you must run for your life, death by bear will be just as painful as a zombie attack. Perhaps don’t be so fussy about lumpy porridge, it is all going to go down hill from here! 

Top tip: Refuel

The Three Little Pigs  Spend a very long time experimenting with different materials to build your house and finally come to the conclusion that brick is probably the best defence. If you hear zombies outside, shout your best threat at them in a very scary voice, something like ‘By the hair of my chinny chin chin I will not let you in’. If that doesn’t work, boil a big pot of water – tea always helps in these situations! When they start smashing through the windows, squeeze up the chimney and knock the wolf out of the way with your stench. Head back to the house made of sticks and arm yourself with the best stick, and choose which of your brothers and sisters you could live without.

Top tip: Bait

Alice (from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland)  Follow a strange rabbit with a pocket watch and let him direct you down a suspicious-looking hole. Try to make friends with all the people you come across because they could help you against the zombies. However, if they prove to unhelpful (*cough* smoking caterpillar) and just plain weird (*cough* freakish grinning cat), stop incessantly asking for directions and stay put until it all blows over. Then simply wake up and realise it was all a bad dream, or alternatively find out you are now a zombie (oops!). Depending on the outcome, climb a tree and stay alert this time, or if you have been unlucky, blame your sister for being so boring that you fell asleep in the first place! 

Top tip: Denial


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